I must first confess to being a novice in the field of blogging, however i have a lot to say on a lot of issues.

I have found myself driven to express my thoughts within this forum due to the benifits of anonymity and expression of a fear to great to confess. This fear is something which is (i know) so familiar to so many and yet as with so many i find my self impotent to deal with its potential consequences.

I shall begin by giving a bit of background infomation, i have always been a believer in an individuals right (duty) to express his/her true feelings. This on occassion has led me into some interesting realms of society and consciousness, some of which have been a pleasure some a pain although non have ended in regret. Yet as we grow older and life presents us with its twists and turns we begin to find ourselves saddled with the burdens of responsibility and restricted in our momentum due to the repercussions of our actions. My current situation is one which i know time will resolve and thankfully with the stoism of pride i will get through, i just feel a need to empty my brain out onto this sheet and shuffle the fears around until i can bear to put them back in my head.
I am a man of 31 who has been in a relationship for the last 7 years, we have a bueatifull duaghter aged 4 who means more to me than my life is worth. This my freinds is were my boundries have been placed.
My Partner is physically all i could wish for in a woman and she has the personality of a saint, however i am a Scorpio and true to form, i am driven by my passion for life and all it has to offer. This is were our our difficulties stem from. My partner has always confessed that i am not what she would normally look for in a man, she grew up without a farther figure around and she believes as a by product of this has a strong attraction to older more stable men. I on the other hand am an artist by trade and am driven to passionate expressions of thought and act. We have many issues and i have found that it does not matter what i do i can not draw from her the girl i fell in love with, the passion has dried up. Im not an unatractive man, i am very sociable and have a very wide circle of freinds, I am not a heavy drinker or a waster and i have tried everything i can think of to revieve the old fire that used to burn between us. She (i shall reffer to her as angel as it was the nickname i have always held for her and i feel it is cold to remove her personality) gains great pleasure from being in a position of financial security (all past relationships have been with people who are financially very secure) and for a period we were in a finacial tight spot. This was the reason for angels lack of passion for me, to combat this i put a hold on my commissioned art work and have set up and run a small but very profitable business. Angel said she felt uncomfortable with my constant expression of desire for her, this was not an easy thing for me to stem as i am highly driven by my libido and as i have already said physically i could not dream a more perfect partner, i did how ever cut back on my advances and tried to give angel the space she said she needed to find her inner self. Repeatedly Angel claimed to have no desire what so ever for a sexual relationship and said she just needed time, it had got to a stage were even if i approached her for a kiss she would pull away from me with such an uneasy expression upon her face that i began to believe there was more to this than just a lack of drive. We spoke about it too many times to mention and the last time we shared an intimate moment was well over two years ago, i began to fear something had happened but nothing was said then one night over christmas last year she went out with freinds from work and at three in the morning came back with another man who insisted he had just walked her home ( i tore chunks from my soul in my battle to resist my anger at them both and she even insisted i shake his hand by way of an appologie for my out burst) upon re-entering our house i noticed her jeans were unfastned and her bra was missing she denied all knowledge of this and persistently refused to tell me what had happened. Over the next few weeks (i never did see the man in question again thankfully) she confessed to the evenings events and after much blame throwing put it down to a drunken error. I am no angel myself and until this point was very prone to expressions of jealousy and suspission, strangely in light of that evenings events i have lost all fear of the unknown deamons that plagued me (probably due to the fact that i was forced to face them and found that it did not detroy my soul as i had thought it might).
We dicided to make a fresh start and for the sake of our duaghter and our love give things another go, we are now in a comfortable position and i feel so strong about every aspect of life bar the fact that my angel that inspired my every waking moment still seems to have lost all her passions towards me. It is now more acute than ever although she claims to see no evidence of this. We still share not even a kiss, i have tried everything i can to re-ignite the fires of her love for me (i even learnt to drive because she said it was something that really turned her on but still after a year of driving will not get in the car with me for "we might have an accident", although she will jump on the back of a freinds 750 road bike who has only just learnt to ride, with out even bating an eyelid).
I sound as though i am full of self pity but this is not the case. I am though stuck with an almighty dilema. I still love angel and i love our family unit, i love our life but i fear angel no longer loves me in a phisycal way and i fear that if we stay on this road we may encouter another diversion from one side or another and that would destroy me, i am not prepared to brake up our family because i am not getting the attention i feel i need and yet i truelly believe that my angel for all her denials, still feels her need for sexual fullfillment but no longer feels the lust for life we once shared. I would hate to lose what we have and yet i fear that i am no longer the right man for her, if only it were us two i could give angel the space i believe she needs but i do not feel our bueatifull and so very loving duaghter would understand and our bond is so strong it would be the hardest thing i could ever dream of doing.
My problem is essentialy a simple one (to quote an old Clash song (( and i might add be very corny)) "Do I stay or Do I go?").
My intentions are honourable, Angel would be able to cope without me finacially, i would still be the best farther i could to our daughter and i truelly believe this would resolve all our unanswered questions about our love for each other but i am doubting my strength to see this through or even my judgement as to wether this is the right thing to do. I have no fears of societies judgement of me for "breaking up the family unit" as i have never feared others opinions and as i say my dream is that this would be the one way of sementing our love or showing us both that it was never meant to be and our union was to bring into this world a ray of light that even the brightest star will never outshine.

Knowing us we will just go on as things are, I just pray we do not let it run sour before we can sort things out.

Thanks for listening.

I promise further "bloggs" will be of a more socially meaty content as i said i have a lot to say on a lot of issues i am just at the moment in a state of distraction.

Time to put the scribble back in the box and seal it with happy thoughts...